You probably don’t know what it’s like to own both a Sega CD and a 32X. Here’s a brief walkthrough.

It begins at Christmas, 1994. Your dad spends all of your mom’s savings on a 32X and a copy of Star Wars Arcade, and neither of them will be able to afford more games until next Christmas. All you have to play for the next several months are Star Wars, a copy of Doom you’d later get for your birthday, and whatever Sega CD and Genesis games you already had in your meager collection.

Odds are that Wonder Dog has lost its charm by this point, and the solutions to the three cases in Sherlock Holmes: Consulting Detective remain exactly the same. But you’re loyal to the lot you’ve been given. You read EGM for the latest 32X news (there is none). You gaze longingly at the Sega CD 32X games available at the mall’s Electronics Boutique (there are five). And then next week, after those games mysteriously drop in price to $10 each, you buy every single one of them with your allowance money.

You buy those games, and then you play the hell out of them.

Okay, so maybe you wouldn’t. But I played the hell out of them.

I beat Fahrenheit. I got a perfect run in Night Trap. I even figured out how to finish Corpse Killer during a time of my life I’d rather forget. And I didn’t just complete but had mastered Slam City with Scottie Pippen, a timing-based, barely-interactive one-on-one basketball game presented entirely in full-motion video.

Actually, I was so good at Slam City that I saw a secret ending in which the game’s actors yelled at me because I out-basketballed Scottie Pippen so hard that I made him look bad. Swear to god, this is true. Slam City’s best ending is a guilt trip.

Unfortunately, my Slam City mastery has long since been overwritten by more important knowledge (like the names of obscure iPhone developers, and the lyrics to Infogrames’ corporate theme song), and I can’t even beat the easiest stage anymore. It’s a shame.

Anyway, that’s my Slam City story. Aside from ruining my life, Slam City is also notable for launching Scottie Pippen’s rap career, which began and ended with the game’s opening theme, “Respect.”

Lyrics:

Bring it on, bring it on, bring it on

What you gonna get?
(Gonna get respect)
What you gotta get?
(Gotta get respect)
What you wanna get?
(Wanna get respect)
So how do you earn… (respect)?

Welcome to the city
That slams, with no pity
I hope you’re ready
For Slam Slam Slam City

If you’re committing
To hard hitting
Good riddance
Cause ain’t nobody taking stick from Scottie Pippin

With the team all without one
You’re gonna get done
One on one and here I come son

Just the thought it brings depression
But so what?
Cause on the court I be dunkin’
Like donuts

So bring your ego
Can’t wait to do you
You want respect? If you earn it
I’ll be more than happy to give it to you

So bring it on, bring your best hook, Ace
Bring your best shot
But if you’re beaten
Then I guess not

What you wanna earn here is respect, yo
You gotta earn all you can get, yo
Just remember, Ace, you’ve been warned
So bring it on, bring it on, bring it on

What you gonna get?
(Gonna get respect)
What you gotta get?
(Gotta get respect)
What you wanna get?
(Wanna get respect)
So how do you earn… (respect)?

(repeat 2x)

First of all, yeah, that’s Scottie Pippen himself on the mic. Second…look, I know, but give the guy a break. This song came from a time in which party rap was still a viable subgenre. While Slam City was in development, people actually wanted to hear Tag Team rap about Tag Team. They listened intently as MC Hammer urged Uncle Fester to take him to the bridge. Things were different then.

By these standards, “Respect”…isn’t great, sure, but at least it’s excusable. Sort of. Scottie Pippen may not have reached the transmedia heights of his rapping genie comrade Shaquille O’Neal, but to his credit, at least he knew when to call it quits.

I couldn’t find any Slam City gameplay footage on YouTube that didn’t have some Internet dingus talking over it, so here’s an instructional video I recorded that offers several tips on how to effectively lose at the game. You’ll also get a sample of the goofy (and unskippable) cutscenes that appear at random throughout every match. Before you ask, no, I don’t know what’s up with that one guy.

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 19th, 2011 at 4:03 pm and is filed under Video Game Vocal Trax. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.